Tag Archive for god

Okay, you’re thankful. But to whom?

George Washington's Thanksgiving Proclamation of 1789

George Washington’s Thanksgiving Proclamation of 1789 (via mountvernon.org)

Happy Thanksgiving, guys. I hope you’re having a good time with your friends and family. Perhaps you’re rattling off all the things you’re thankful for. That’s what this holiday is all about, right? To be thankful. And thankfully, we don’t need to think too hard to come up with a cornucopia of wonderful things that we Americans enjoy.

I just got one question. To whom are you thankful?

You grammar police are thankful I phrased this question correctly. I said “to whom are you thankful?” rather than “who are you thankful to?” Well, with that, I’m thankful I don’t have the grammar police harping on me right now.

So let’s continue using correct grammar, shall we? Read more

You Said “Ask And I’ll Give the Nations to You”

At church today we sang this song called, “You Said.” Well, I didn’t really sing it, because I was thrown off by the lyrics. Here’s how the chorus went:

“You said, “Ask and I’ll give the nations to you”

Oh, Lord, that’s the cry of my heart

Distant shores and the islands will see

Your light, as it rises on us”

I’m sitting there thinking, are we as a church praying that God gives us the nations? If so, what nations? America? Russia? Red Sox nation? Just one or all of them? I was not aware God just gave away nations like that. This is like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory but instead of chocolate it’s nations!

Anyways, I’m driving home with my wife, and I’m like, “Honey, what does that even mean ‘Ask and I’ll give the nations to you?'”

And she’s like, “I don’t know but I didn’t sing it. It sounds too multicultural.”

See how great my wife is? She doesn’t fall for any of that multicultural nonsense. She’s carefully selected by God for me. (Bible, Proverbs 18:22)

So I was like, “Honey, it’s probly some misquoted verse where David is hiding in a cave praying that God smites all the nations rising up against Israel. What else can you expect from ignorant liberals except irony?”
Read more

Why does anyone need an assault rifle?

why does anyone need an assault rifle?

Why does anyone need an assault rifle? To kill people. Duh. (photo courtesy of Offspring_18_87)

Why does anyone need an assault rifle? To kill people. Duh! That’s the stupidest question I ever bothered to answer. Why else would anybody get an assault rifle? To have a more expensive way to point a flashlight?

Sure there are many other weapons that can kill a man, but the assault rifle has features that make that job much easier. Especially in combat. It has a pistol grip that allows it to be held more ergonomically. It has attachments that help aim the gun and illuminate the target. Most importantly, it has a magazine that contains 30 bullets. Much better than a 6-shooter on the nightstand or the single shot in a hunter’s rifle.

Right now some people are like, “Jimmy, I don’t see the need for anybody to have that much power.”

Honey, the only reason you don’t see the need for such a weapon is because somewhere the weapon is doing its job. Even when it’s not fired. It’s called a deterrent. Violent force and the fear of violent force are part of reality. It’s not our job to change the world. Read more

Why are So many Kids Obese if So Many are Hungry?

Why are so many kids obese

“Let’s Move,” says Michelle Obama. The nation’s obese kids do the truffle shuffle.

Michelle Obama starves school kids with a meager school lunch program to combat obesity. Then she takes money right out of your pay check to feed the nation’s hungry with WIC, EBT cards, and food stamps. Does anyone else notice this obvious contradiction? Why are so many kids obese if so many are hungry? Read more