Black Friday 2015. I’m sitting here in my secure surplus military bunker as the carnage unfolds at our nation’s walmarts. This bunker has wifi, so I’m able to access drudgereport.com to stay updated on the Black Friday casualties. It’s like a tradition around here.
Kids, stop running around the bunker! Or I’ll send you to Walmart to buy a flatscreen!
Guys, remember what your Uncle said yesterday at Thanksgiving Dinner? He said, “Welp, today is the day we’re thankful for all we have. Tomorow is the day we fight for what we don’t need.”
Some people right now are like, “How did you know my Uncle said that. You weren’t there.”
Guys, your uncle says that every thanksgiving. Every uncle says that every thanksgiving.
So happy Black Friday, everyone. Get your flatscreen before you get flattened!