Volkswagen emissions scandal? More like Volkswagen emissions victory!

Volkswagen Emissions Scandal

Guys, guess where I was when I heard that Volkswagen got busted cheating the emissions test. Get ready. It’s ironic. I was on the side of the highway in a Peterbilt whose own diesel emissions system had malfunctioned. Read more

Mr. Darcy. Turn down for what?

Guys, I don’t understand ebonics. Nor do I understand Jane Austin movies. Yet somehow I understand the combination of the two.

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The Dead Dog had a Gallstone. Now this Chinese Farmer is Rich.

 

gou bao

A gou boa. Source? wantchinatimes.com. Their source? The internet.

Guys, I have three dogs, Jick, Sheila, and Leona. As terrible as it would be to lose one of them in a tragic chocolate ingestion accident, their death may prove bittersweet. If it turns out their doggie gallbladders contain a special gallstones prized by the Chinese, I may hit the jackpot.

The wantchinatimes.com reported that a Chinese farmer found a special gallstone called a gou bao in his recently deceased dog, Dahuang. (May he rest in peace.)
Zhan Qihan, a 74 year-old farmer from the Luotian county of China’s Hubei province, was for some reason dissecting his recently deceased dog by a river. That’s when he extracted a gallstone that “shone like gold in the sunshine. He immediately recognized it as a gou bao.”

The wantchinatimes.com claims the gou bao dog gallstone is an extremely rare and precious item in Traditional Chinese Medicine. Apparently they have the power to heal you longtime.

According to the report, a fellow villager offered Zhan 100,000 yuan for the special dog gallstone. AND HE TURNED IT DOWN! Read more

Report Fake Beanie Babies!

 

report fake beanies

Report Fake Beanie Babies

source

Guys, ever hear of SWATting? I’m going to call this number on my aunt.

Why I Moved Out Of Boston

Same sex marriage is wrong

Two years ago, I moved my family out of Boston. At that time, if you had asked me why I quit my job and sold my house, I would have muttered something about money. It’s true that Boston is expensive. But that’s not the real reason I left. I moved out because of gay marriage. Boston, Massachusetts is the new Sodom and Gomorrah.

Right now some people are like, “Jimmy, what’s a matter? You afraid of fire and brimstone?”

No, I’m not afraid of fire and brimstone. I’m afraid of the knock at the door. Read more

First came the Windmillers, then came the Earthquakes

Guys, who or what is a fracker? London’s newspaper, The Independent, blamed them for Oklahoma’s earthquakes in an article posted on Drudge.

I’ve met many men out here in the West Texas oilfield. Guys who’ve swung hammers on fracking jobs, guys who drive sand trucks, guys who run coiled-tubing jobs. But nobody has introduced himself to me as a fracker.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Kinkade, my name is Alistair Wimbledon and I am a fracker.” Read more

The Patriots Did Not Cheat in #DeflateGate. The Colts Did!

pats

When people heard that 11 of the 12 New England Patriots’ footballs were 2 psi too light at halftime, they all concluded the Patriots cheated. No! I say that the 2 psi drop indicates the Patriots did not cheat! Just read the rules.

The NFL Rulebook requires that both teams bring their balls to the NFL referees’s locker room for inspection before the game. Then the Operations Manual states, “Once the balls have left the locker room, no one, including players, equipment managers, ball boys, and coaches, is allowed to alter the footballs in any way.”

Did you read that? You cannot pump the footballs up or deflate them after the refs inspect them.

Right now some people are like, “Jimmy, that proves the Patriots cheated because their balls were lighter!”

No! The rules do not require the teams to maintain the balls in the required pressure range. In fact, since they cannot be altered after inspection, you can’t legally maintain the required 12.5 to 13.5 psi. Cold weather could cause Patriots balls to deflate and there’s nothing they could do.

“But the Indianapolis Colts footballs were fully inflated!”

Yea! Because THEY CHEATED!!

Maybe the Colts pumped their balls up during the game. Why? Maybe they schemed to drop a dime on the Patriots and accuse them of what any NFL team would be guilty of on a cold game day: under-inflated balls. And to make sure they didn’t also get in trouble, they topped their balls off.

If that’s true, they’re in violation of NFL Operations Manual which expressly prohibits altering the balls. They are the cheaters.

Oh, but they only inflated the balls to regulation pressure? That’s nice. But it doesn’t matter. The rules don’t allow you to alter the ball, even if it’s to bring the ball back to regulation pressure.

This would explain why the Colts’ players are acting really nice to the Patriots on twitter. Guilt.

This would explain why Colts’ Linebacker D’Qwell Jackson changed his story. Earlier this week, we heard Jackson noticed the Patriot’s football was soft after he intercepted it. But now he denies it. Maybe he never actually claimed that to begin with. It was all part of the script to sabotage the Patriots legacy.

This week, everyone will be doing science experiments on Wilson footballs. When the data comes in, it’s going to seem mighty peculiar that the Colts’ balls were still 13.5 psi at halftime.

Guys, today I made a bold accusation against the Colts. I’m a true New England Patriots fan. You frauds abandoned the team on account of 2 psi. Shame.

Why Deflategate Is Bad For Quarterbacks With Tiny Hands (and Good For The Patriots)

Deflategate is bad news for quarterbacks with tiny hands. Since everyone in the United States of Patriots-hate-ica wants to make a huge deal of football psi, the NFL commissioner will be forced to act in a comprehensive way that in the end nobody will like. Read more

Connecticut Earthquake caused by Windmills in Massachusetts?

When five earthquakes happen in a five and a half hour span in Oklahoma, you blame fracking. When five earthquakes happen in a five and a half hour span in Texas, you blame fracking. But when five earthquakes happen in a five and a half hour span in Connecticut, who do you blame? You sure can’t blame fracking!

I’ll tell you who I blame. Windmills. Read more

Does Fracking Cause Earthquakes? No. Windmills Do.

Windmill

Does fracking cause earthquakes? No. Windmills do.

Liberals look to the reports of increased earthquake activity and add it to their list of reasons why they hate fracking. Hold on there! I wouldn’t be so quick to blame fracking. In every place where earthquakes are on the rise, we see an increase in the construction of windmills. Read more

NY Bans Fracking For Health Reasons

New York govenor Andrew Cuomo wants to ban fracking for health reasons. Guys, I live in West Texas. It’s a veritable forest of pump jacks and drilling rigs. If fracking was as bad as liberals believe, this area would be an uninhabitable toxic waste dump.

But it’s not. West Texas is a booming center of economic activity. People, like me, are coming here from all over in order to thrive. If anything, fracking is good for your health. Especially the health of your wallet. Read more

The Rats Eat Michelle Obama’s School Lunch #ThankYouMichelleObama

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You know what I say about health food. It isn’t healthy and it isn’t food. I scornfully put quotes around “heath” and then around “food” then nest those quotes inside another set of quotes and I write ““health”“food.””

Now there’s another dimension to the health food stupidity of godless liberals. And it’s the same thing that turns all liberal dreams into real-life nightmares: unintended consequences.

KCBS in San Francisco reports today that schools who implemented Michelle Obama’s “healthy” school lunch are plagued by rats. According to liberals on location, the public schools do not have the infrastructure needed to support a large amount of fresh foods. Nor can they handle the huge amount of waste generated by its rejection. Read more

how to clean your plate.

dressing spray bottle cleaner

source: tumblr

The Worship Music Wars Are Waning And Hymns Are Winning

The worship music wars are finally winding down now as Christians begin to admit that worship music sucks. Nobody likes worship music. Nobody ever liked worship music. Everyone just pretended to like contemporary worship music so they would fit in. They suffered through the jangly juvenile diddies hoping their sacrifice would lead young people to join the church.

News flash! The young people don’t exist. Birth control is what decimated the church. Not hymns.

So why did we waste the past twenty-five years arguing about music?

It’s so that we could passionately fight about something but avoid arguing about substance. The bible clearly teaches us to have kids. The bible clearly teaches predestination. The bible explicitly commands women to keep silent in church. The second coming occurs after the tribulation. There is no separate rapture.

When’s the last time you heard these subjects preached from the pulpit? Not since 1990. If ever. All of those things sound so awful and mean spirited. Preaching on them would just drive attendance down, right?

So in the 90’s the church began avoiding those weighty matters to chase a soaring spirit of musical worship. Out went all the hymns about blood and wrath and tribulation. In came the Christian Mickey Mouse club.

“Enter into the spirit!” the worship leader angrily yelled to the congregation, “It’s time for goosebumps and shivers in you spine.” Old people tried to sing along but got lost in lyrics projected on the overhead like this: YEAH YEAH YEAH x3.

People wanted to argue about music and dress. Young passionate leaders with real hearts took to the forefront. They staged demonstrations in committee meetings, ripping off their ties, condemning anyone who didn’t wear pajamas to church, and scoffed incredulously that the church wouldn’t spring just $26,852 on a new sound system.

By 2000 they started winning big time. Churches had that pivotal congregation meeting where the youth pastor insisted they could have hundreds of young people if they only voted to go contemporary worship. And everyone thought it would be suicide not to go contemporary.

So we’ve all been singing contemporary worship songs for like 14 years now. And what happened? Church attendance has dropped off steeper. There are fewer people now! We still don’t have the young people they promised. And the old people gave up fighting death because they hate worship music so much.

I hate worship music too.

Worship music reminds me of the delusional fantasy America descended into in the 90’s. As Rush Limbaugh pointed out, Bill Clinton campaigned and won on totally vain issues such as school uniforms. That’s the political equivalent of arguing about worship music.

That’s what we wanted the national political debate to be about. Vanity. For example, what if Bob Dole campaigned on destroying the Taliban? What if in 1996 Bob Dole warned us of Osama Bin Laden?

We would have said “Shut up Bob! Bill Clinton is jamming on the saxophone!”

Yet in just five years after that we were off to war in Afghanistan. 2001 was when a war that had been brewing for since the Cold War finally hit home. And when it hit us in an unavoidable way, we thought it came out of nowhere.

And so it is with the church. We have an unavoidable war with apostasy. We’re actually arguing about gay marriage in the church! That’s more than just a substantial matter. It is an essential matter! Yet it seems like it came upon us suddenly.

No. This apostasy gained ground while we chose to argue about worship music rather than learn about the mind of God through studying scripture.

The bible says to speak the truth. Okay. Worship music sucks. Nobody likes it. Everybody likes hymns but is afraid to admit it.

If we had stuck to preaching the word of God as written, we would have scared off all these wannabe worship leaders before they caused division among us.

The Gospel: The Only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.’

only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun

NRA vice president Wane LaPierre accidentally preached the Gospel when he said “The only thing that stops a bag guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” (modified image originally by Gage Skidmore)

Two weeks after the Newtown Massacre, the National Rifle Association held a press conference where its vice president, Wayne LaPierre, preached the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Whether he knew it or not, I don’t know. Sometimes the best preachers don’t even know it. But Mr. LaPierre preached the Gospel when he said, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.”

Satan is a bad guy with a gun, Jesus is a good guy with a gun. I don’t need to tell you who wins the standoff, you can flip to the last page of the Bible and read for yourself. (SPOILER ALERT: It’s Jesus.) But how he wins is a message of good news for each one of us. It’s a message whose crux is the cross.

Barack Obama and his voters oppose this message, btw. After the Newtown Massacre, your president addressed the nation, telling us we need to “come together to take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this.” He and the Democrat party are telling you that gun control will prevent massacres.

This is a LIE! Read more

Mummies had Heart Disease. I predicted this.

mummies had heart disease

Science said Yummy Mummy gave you heart disease. Now it says mummies had heart disease. (photo courtesy traci*s_retro)

“Atherosclerosis is thought to be a disease of modern human beings and related to contemporary lifestyles.”

This above quote begins a summary of the Horus Study, published in the Lancet Journal. In the Horus Study, a team of scientists CT scanned mummies’ hearts. These mummies were from long-ago ages and distant lands that did not have Burger King. They discovered that mummies had heart disease. I predicted this.

Atherosclerosis is heart disease, btw. It’s when the pipes to the heart get clogged. And I also want to point out that the mummies didn’t get heart disease. It was the people who while living got heart disease. Then when they died they became mummies. Mummies with Atherosclerosis.

How could I have predicted that? Because I insist science is a fallacy. I believe the highest source of wisdom and knowledge is God’s revelation, the Bible. In the Bible we have the ancient saints eating fat, salt, and cholesterol. And creator God condoned it.

But we live in a society that rejected God and propped up Science as the highest form of wisdom and knowledge. Not only that, but the science worshipers mocked those who follow God by faith.

When you reject God he gives you over to what you rejected him for and you ironically prove God’s wisdom.

So science started teaching us to avoid fatty food claiming it’s bad for you. People blindly followed this teaching by faith. What fools!

The whole idea that fat is bad for you is exactly why I say science is a fallacy. Read more

You Said “Ask And I’ll Give the Nations to You”

At church today we sang this song called, “You Said.” Well, I didn’t really sing it, because I was thrown off by the lyrics. Here’s how the chorus went:

“You said, “Ask and I’ll give the nations to you”

Oh, Lord, that’s the cry of my heart

Distant shores and the islands will see

Your light, as it rises on us”

I’m sitting there thinking, are we as a church praying that God gives us the nations? If so, what nations? America? Russia? Red Sox nation? Just one or all of them? I was not aware God just gave away nations like that. This is like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory but instead of chocolate it’s nations!

Anyways, I’m driving home with my wife, and I’m like, “Honey, what does that even mean ‘Ask and I’ll give the nations to you?'”

And she’s like, “I don’t know but I didn’t sing it. It sounds too multicultural.”

See how great my wife is? She doesn’t fall for any of that multicultural nonsense. She’s carefully selected by God for me. (Bible, Proverbs 18:22)

So I was like, “Honey, it’s probly some misquoted verse where David is hiding in a cave praying that God smites all the nations rising up against Israel. What else can you expect from ignorant liberals except irony?”
Read more

Why does anyone need an assault rifle?

why does anyone need an assault rifle?

Why does anyone need an assault rifle? To kill people. Duh. (photo courtesy of Offspring_18_87)

Why does anyone need an assault rifle? To kill people. Duh! That’s the stupidest question I ever bothered to answer. Why else would anybody get an assault rifle? To have a more expensive way to point a flashlight?

Sure there are many other weapons that can kill a man, but the assault rifle has features that make that job much easier. Especially in combat. It has a pistol grip that allows it to be held more ergonomically. It has attachments that help aim the gun and illuminate the target. Most importantly, it has a magazine that contains 30 bullets. Much better than a 6-shooter on the nightstand or the single shot in a hunter’s rifle.

Right now some people are like, “Jimmy, I don’t see the need for anybody to have that much power.”

Honey, the only reason you don’t see the need for such a weapon is because somewhere the weapon is doing its job. Even when it’s not fired. It’s called a deterrent. Violent force and the fear of violent force are part of reality. It’s not our job to change the world. Read more

Why are So many Kids Obese if So Many are Hungry?

Why are so many kids obese

“Let’s Move,” says Michelle Obama. The nation’s obese kids do the truffle shuffle.

Michelle Obama starves school kids with a meager school lunch program to combat obesity. Then she takes money right out of your pay check to feed the nation’s hungry with WIC, EBT cards, and food stamps. Does anyone else notice this obvious contradiction? Why are so many kids obese if so many are hungry? Read more

Jesus. The Ultimate Pacifist?

Jesus Pacifist

The rider on the white horse signing peace treaties. by Viktor Vasnetsov

A few of my Facebook friends linked up a Huffington Post article by Jonathan D. Fitzgerald, called “The Christian Pacifist Response to the Newtown Tragedy.” Now, I guess pacifists can be Christians too. But as I read the article it became clear that Mr. Fitzgerald and the Huffington Post commenters thought that Jesus was a pacifist. That’s stupid. It’s like saying Jesus is a vegetarian. It’s wrong and easy to disprove. Just read the Bible.

Some people right now are like, “Jimmy! How can you say that?” Read more