I’m Jimmy Kinkade. I am the President and CEO of feedingjimmy.com, where CEO stands for Chief Eating Officer. I’m a truck driver. I’m a vigilante unlicensed plumber. I’m an amateur theologian. And you can add to all those titles on my resume one more thing: Internet preacher.
Right now some people are like, “Jimmy, did you say Internet preacher? Or itinerant preacher?”
Oh, that’s how you say that word. Yes, itinerant preacher. I am available to come to your church and deliver a sermon. Or to your ladies’ club. Mens’ breakfast. High school or college youth group. I am available. I have sermons already written and ready to go. OK?
I’ve got this sermon, “God doesn’t care what you eat.”
Or how about “Science is a Fallacy.” This is a good one if your church is near a university.
Or, if you have a lot of high school kids, whose parents are thinking of sending them to college, I have this sermon: “Christians, don’t send your kids to college.”
Here’s a good one if you want everyone in the congregation to cry: “Infant circumcision is a sin.” The title pretty much says it all. Really, that’s like a five-week sermon series. Including notes I can hand out about that subject.
I have a bunch of sermons, all ready to go. If you want me to talk about these things, I’d be happy to.
Some people want to know what my sermons are all about. Well, they’re all about food, sex, money. I mix religion and politics boldly. Some people don’t like that. They’re wringing their hands saying, “Oh, no, Jimmy, you can’t do that! You’re going to drive people away from church if you mix religion and politics.”
Oh, okay. So I assume then that your church is just bursting with people. There are so many parishioners in your church that … Oh, wait, your church is dead empty? Okay. Maybe you need a big fish like me there to draw some water in. You know? Put my name on the signage out front. People driving by will be like, “Oh, Jimmy Kinkade. That’s that crazy guy from the internet. Says you can eat whatever you want and don’t feel guilty about it. Says that smoking cigarettes aren’t sin, so I think I’ll go and check that church out.”
I’m just saying, it could be outreach for your church to have Jimmy Kinkade deliver a sermon.
You see, the Christian church needs someone who opens up the Bible and reads from it. That’s what I do. Like I said, I’m an amateur theologian. I’ve got a lot of theological ideas, but really, I cheat. I just read the Bible. That might be a little dishonest of me. I mean, to be a real theologian, you’ve go to go out on your own and make up stuff, right? Make up some elaborate philosophical system of everything. You can’t just read the Bible.
Well, I do. And that’s a basis for a lot of my sermons.
Yes, I am unordained. I’m just an amateur. But just like I’m an unlicensed plumber, I can still fix things around the house. I can still plumb. (You can see proof of my plumbing in my YouTube videos.)
So send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.