I love another man. We’re getting married.

With all of this talk about gay marriage, I think it’s time I come out of the closet and admit that I love another man.

Jesus.

I know what some of you are saying. “That’s nice, Jimmy. But you’re not going to marry Jesus.” Yes I am. Yes, I am.
You know, Jesus invented marriage. Not many people know that. He created the whole earth, and part of the earth is marriage. The Bible talks about it one page 1.

I think it would help if we looked at page 1 of the Bible.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother, and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” That’s marriage.

This is an old-fashioned idea, I know. You want to know how old it is? It’s really easy to figure out. All you have to do is take the age of the earth, and subtract 5 days. Marriage was created on the sixth day. The seventh day was the honeymoon, I guess.

I know what a lot of you are thinking right now. You’re thinking, “Jimmy, you’re reading the old-fashioned part of the Bible. The mean-spirited part. You need to look at what the happy half of the Bible says.”

I knew that you guys were going to say that. So I looked ahead to the happy half, and I started in the back. So let’s look at the last page of the Bible. I doubt many of you even know what the last page of the Bible is. It’s 895. This is Jesus talking.

“Behold, I am coming soon, bringing my recompense with me, to repay everyone for what he has done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end. Blessed are those who wash their robes so that they may have the right to the tree of life and that they may enter the city by the gates. Outside are the dogs and the sorcerers and the sexually immoral and murderers and adulterers and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.”

Jesus takes His sex rules seriously. We Americans do not. Jesus has a religion of His own. It’s called Christianity. And really, there are no food rules for Christians. I know there’s the first council of Jerusalem, but there’s no food rules. There are a lot of sex rules.

But look at us Americans. We ignore sex rules and make up food rules. Think about all the foods we’re not supposed to eat. Foods that contain fat. Foods that contain cholesterol and salt. Jesus said, “you are the salt of the earth“. Nowadays, we wonder why He said that, since salt is bad.

Marriage was Jesus’ invention. How would He feel about us trying to ruin it? How would Thomas Edison feel if he saw that we’re trying to ruin his light bulbs? Multiply that by a lot, and that’s how angry Jesus would be that we’re trying to ruin marriage.

The President said that his view on marriage has evolved. My view on marriage was created by Jesus.

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