Donald Sterling, Magic Johnson, and Condoms.

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 10.28.03 AMWhat if Donald Sterling had uttered his racist words into a condom? That’s what I ask myself as I a marvel at how thin-skinned and immature some American blacks are. Especially Magic Johnson.

Part of maturity is understanding when to ignore an insult and when to respond. I’m not very far down that road, but I’m certainly further along than Magic. He just tattle-taled!

I imagine the commissioner was busy in an NBA boardroom meeting when Magic Johnson burst in, tears steaming down his cheeks and a pouty bottom lip.

“Lil’ Magic JonJon! What’s wrong?”

“Mr. Commissioner, Mr. Commissioner! Donald Sterling said nasty racist things about me!”

The commissioner pats Magic Johnson on the head. “There, there, lil’ Magic JonJon. Did the big, mean Donald Sterling hurt your widdle feewings?”

Magic Johnson nods yes through sobs.

“Aw! How about I take his team away?”

Magic Johnson stops sobbing and nods yes.

“But he invested millions and millions of dollars into the LA Clippers. Who should I give it to?”

“Hey! You could give I to me! Eh?” And Magic starts smiling and wiggling his eyebrows.

Okay. Now we see what this is all about. Greed and immaturity.

Speaking of maturity, another part of maturity is understanding cause and effect. You see, our actions produce consequences. Positive and negative. If you have sex with hundreds and perhaps thousands of women, you could contract what the Bible calls, “the due penalty for your perversion.” Yikes. That’s something we want to avoid. Right, Magic?

I’ve been wondering that question since the early nineties. After Magic Johnson came out and said he was HIV positive, a bunch of my teachers at school said he was a hero. The dimwits on Channel 1 such as Anderson Cooper and Lisa Ling praised his courage and leadership.

And me? I’m a Boston Celtics can. I’m just sitting there wondering why we’re treating an LA Laker’s star like such a hero. Back then, I was not walking with Jesus. Nonetheless, I still could not respect a guy for walking straight into a deadly trap. No cajoling from Spike Lee could help Magic’s cause either.

I asked, why is this guy a hero? And I got a muttering response from my health education professionals about how his mistakes can teach us to practice safe sex.

Oh. I see. Magic Johnson’s philandering isn’t the problem. The problem is that he didn’t wear a condom while doing it.

Aren’t condoms amazing? They protect you from the consequences of your sins. Babies? No. Not with condoms. Sexually transmitted diseases? No. Not with condoms. Hurt feelings?

Oh wait. Magic Johnson, would a condom protect all your used, abused, and dejected women from the negative feelings associated from being loved and left?

No, they just need to get over that. Right, Magic? They’re just feelings. Right, Magic?

Okay. So let me ask again. What if Donald Sterling had uttered his racist words into a condom?

If he had just used a condom, he wouldn’t have gotten banned from the NBA. Donald Sterling, next time you should practice safe slander. Then maybe we’ll give you your NBA team back.

Condoms. Wow! I used to think Mentos were amazing. But with Mentos, you can only get away with small things. Like running up the down escalator at the mall. With condoms, you can jam your penis in the moving steps and nothing bad can happen.

Now, I’m not using my penis to write this. So I’m wondering, do they make condoms for your hands? Yes. Of course they do. Those blue latex gloves you buy at Auto Zone. I’ll wear those and whatever I type will have no consequences.

Okay. Ready?

*snap, snap*

I got these latex gloves on. They are finger condoms. So whatever I type next has no consequence. Here it comes.

Barack Obama is a nigger.

There you go, guys. Was it as good for you as it was for me? Thanks for reading. Checkout for more Bible based food eating wisdom.

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