Why Deflategate Is Bad For Quarterbacks With Tiny Hands (and Good For The Patriots)

Deflategate is bad news for quarterbacks with tiny hands. Since everyone in the United States of Patriots-hate-ica wants to make a huge deal of football psi, the NFL commissioner will be forced to act in a comprehensive way that in the end nobody will like.

Right now the rules allow each team to condition it’s own footballs before the game. Neither team has a huge advantage because if the New England patriots doctor the footballs the way they like, the Indianapolis colts can doctor the football the way they like!

That’s why the rule allows each team to provide their own balls at the beginning of the game and allows each team custody of the balls the throughout the game. (A football out of the factory box is uncatchable. )

The NFL rules allow a range of psi for the ball to be – a range! So each team has discretion if they want their balls plump or saggy. But the strict adherence to the letter of the rule occurs at one moment. When the refs weigh the ball.

Consider wrestling. What’s the first thing a wrestler does after weigh-ins before a match? He pigs out! He cuts weight over the week so when he’s on the scale he’s 112 pounds. Then he steps off the scale and stuffs his mouth with 6 pounds of Funions. When he’s on the mat he’s actually 118 pounds.

But his opponent is too! Lightweight wrestling isn’t a match against your opponent. It’s a match against horrible gas pains from Funions. That explains all the grunting.

Look, the patriots footballs just needed to fart, okay?!

But now Commissioner Roger Godell needs to be super fair for the Super Bowl. So he’s going to personally check that all balls for both teams are fed Funions smothered with chili.

Plump balls are hard to grip. They are hard to throw *and * hard to catch. Especially if you have tiny hands. And who has the tiniest hands in the NFL?

Russell Wilson, of the Seattle Seahawks! (Tinier than even Danny Woodhead.)

Tom Brady did just fine in the second half of the AFC championship game after the footballs were undoctored. But Russell Wilson might not fare so well if godell gives the poor footballs terrible gas pains.

Furthermore, a more catchable ball is also easier to intercept. So as you watch the Super Bowl consider that each of Richard Sherman’s batted balls could have been an interception– if the balls were properly deflated according to Patriots’ specifications.

Listen Patriots-hate-icans, deflategate will actually help the New England patriots in the Super Bowl because the Seahawks have such tiny hands!

NOTE: The solution for this problem is to change the rule so balls are allowed to be 2 psi lighter. That’s the way you do it, right, Indianapolis colts fans? Change the rules you don’t like after the fact.

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