Christmas is like a Meaningless Wedding

christmas is like a meaningless wedding

I feel like a jerk for saying this, but hey, we can save lots of money by not doing christmas/your wedding.

It’s not even Thanksgiving yet, but how many stores have you been in that are already decked out with tinsel, ornamented spruce trees, and blinking lights?

Too many, right?! If you’re like me, the early onset of Christmas makes you sick. In fact, you know what it reminds me of? Meaningless weddings.

The same principle underlies both meaningless weddings and the early onset of Christmas: greed. People want the good things without the God things.

Some people right now are scratching their heads. They’re like, “Jimmy I don’t know what a meaningless wedding is never-mind what it has to do with Christmas starting in the middle of November.”

Okay, let me explain what a meaningless wedding is. I made the term up.

You know how the youngsters now-a-days shack up together before they get married? Oh, excuse me. Is that not the correct term? What do they call it now?

Cohabitation! That’s right.

Cohabitation starts when a guy meets a girl and she gives it up to him. You know what I’m saying? Sex. Then the guy gets hooked on the hoochie-coochie and he can’t leave.

He gets so attached to her, he wants her to move into his apartment. His feelings are so strong that he won’t even see anyone else anymore. That’s dedication right there!

Not that he’s settling down or anything. No, sir.

But 10 years go by and in that time they get a mortgage, adopt three dogs, and still sleep together.

And someone asks when they’re going to get married and they look at each other all scared like they may not be ready for that kind of commitment.

Okay, let’s pause right here.

What’s the difference between them and a lawfully married couple?

They live together, share their expenses, own property together, they sleep together, and if he gets busted sleeping with someone else it’s all over.

Oh, and he needs to ask permission to go out with the guys on the weekend.

So he’s married, right?

Oh, heck no! He’s not married. He hasn’t had a wedding yet.

Right, right. I forgot. That $58,000 monstrosity they’ve been planning for the last two years. Every detail has been planned out. The band, the exotic venue, the videography team, and the camera drones. All top notch. Nothing cheap. You’ll get the idea when the gilded hand-printed invitations arrive.

Why are they spending so much money on an event that really doesn’t mark any essential change in their relationship?

They spend money and want you to spend your money to somehow fill that meaningless void of that wedding ceremony.

They finally want the respect a married couple would get from distant cousins and elderly aunts. They want the public recognition of matrimony that they formerly scorned.

And most of all they want the expensive gifts! Like I said, greed. If they spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding, you better dig deep when you peruse their registry on

No. Wait. They’re looking to update the Pottery Barn stuff they already have. Their registry is on

And when you pull the save-the-date card out of your mailbox, heralding the imminent arrival of that invitation, what do you do? You face-palm!

You think, “You mean I have to take time off from work, buy plane tickets, and do this song and dance because this kid is finally marrying the chick he’s been living with for 10 years?!”

Yup. And you need to buy a $500 blender to replace their $50 one. You can’t show up empty handed.

That greed is the same greed I see behind Christmas. America is spending money and wants you to spend lots of money on a holiday that they have rendered totally meaningless.

Guys, you can’t say Merry Christmas anymore. You get in trouble at work or school if your decorations aren’t innocuous enough for the generic winter festivities.

It’s not just baby Jesus in the manger anymore. Santa Claus, candy canes, Christmas trees, and even the colors red and green. All these things may offend someone. So we need to stop these culturally insensitive practices.

But, holy frickin’ heck! The day after Thanksgiving, you better run the gauntlet at Walmart to spend lots of money of gifts.

Wait, why? What are these gifts for?

Nevermind that. Don’t ask. Just spend lots and lots of money on things. From now until about the end of December. The 25th of December to be exact. Just spend money!

It’s your civic duty. All the financial experts on Wall Street are watching. If you don’t spend enough, that’s a bad omen for the whole economy.

You know what? This is so important, you can’t wait until the day after Thanksgiving. You better start buying stuff early. Like right after Halloween.

See what I’m saying? Money is good. People want that. But God?! Pssh. No way!

They use greed to mask the meaningless space left when we reject God from everything. Even holidays.

For hundreds of years we’ve celebrated the birth of humanity’s savior, Jesus Christ, by giving gifts. And it’s been good for the economy. But we can’t surgically remove religion from Christmas without looking like greedy jerks for spending lots of money for no good reason.

They bring on Christmas earlier and earlier so we spend more money all the while they want less and less Christmas in Christmas. Greed!

I’m sorry, I won’t do it anymore. I’m telling my kids that Barack Obama cancelled Christmas. And if you’ve been living with your girlfriend, don’t expect me to grace your meaningless wedding with my amazing, show-stopping dance moves.

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