Guys, I’m going to make a bold prediction right here. I predict car seats will become a topic of debate among Democrats vying for the presidential nomination.
Right now a lot of you are chortling. “Pfft! Car seats?!”
Yea, car seats. You know, like for babies. Well, it used to just be for babies. But now infants, toddlers, adolescents, preteens, and even short teenagers need to sit in booster seats while riding in the car.
Liberals cannot handle risk.
Our world is chaotic. You cannot predict when and where disaster will strike. Liberals hate that. They hate risk because they hate reality.
God is not afraid of risk. Think about it. He sent his son Jesus as a baby into this world. A world with no car seats. (Archeological evidence suggests that in the first century A.D. there were no car seats.)
Think about all the terrible things that could have possibly went wrong for poor baby Jesus.
The virgin Mary could have laid Jesus down in a manger with too much hay and he could have suffocated. The Wise Men could have killed baby Jesus with either Gold, frankincense, and myrrh which are choking hazards. In Egypt, Joseph and Mary could have forgotten Jesus at the synagog.
God left his son in the custody of a first time mother and a carpenter step-dad in a day and age with no 911, antibiotics, homogenized pasteurized skim milk, and certainly no car seats.
It was chaos.
But God the father was not worried. Why?
God the father is a father.
Fathers don’t worry. Mothers worry. That’s all they do. They worry.
When my boys are inside, their mother worries that their going to break a lamp and develop some medical condition from not being outside.
So I send them outside and she worries that their going to step barefooted into a tapeworm nest and get run over by a Peterbilt.
A mother cannot help but worry.
And Democrats will pounce on a mother’s worry.
Worry is an imaginary fear. Democrats can suggest zany solutions because the underlying fears aren’t valid. The Democrats’ solutions don’t need to work, they just need to make the worry-worts feel better. And if you point out their solutions or underlying fears are implausible, you become associated with the problem.
Car seats are the new birth control.
Consider this: Barack Obama won reelection by promising free birth control to all women. Actually, to be more precise, he pledged to stop Republican Mitt Romney from preventing women from accessing free birth control.
Stop and think about how absurd this is!
Why is a president offering free birth control? What does Mitt Romney have anything to do with birth control? Is there anyone out there who actually opposes birth control? (besides me.) How expensive is birth control anyways? Are American women having so much sex that birth control is bankrupting them?
Mitt Romney could not logically unravel this birth control subterfuge because to pick apart this giant nugget of deception paints him as opposing birth control.
But why is a sexual subject a topic of debate in a presidential campaign anyways?
Sex is risky
When you have sex so many chaotic things could happen. You could get a sexually transmitted disease. Your performance could be lackluster. He may not follow through on giving you that promotion. Or worse of all you may get… PREGNANT!
Birth control is the feminists’ attempt to battle the very nature of reality. Sex is chaos. Barack Obama will eliminate that risk by making Mitt Romney pay for it.
And he won the presidency. Again.
Now that wad is blown, Hillary Clinton can’t use birth control as a campaign promise. So how is she going to stoke women’s worries in order to get them out to vote for her?
Hillary Clinton Car Seats. (like the Obamaphone.)
Feminists may not like to admit it, but birth control is not 100% effective. And so you got this kid that you really didn’t want. But now that you have him, you need to get him to day care so you can go to your job that barely pays for that day care.
But when you’re driving that precious snow flake child around on these chaotic American roads, how do you know he’s really safe in your fuel-efficent car? I mean really safe.
Think about all the things that could go wrong. Texters. Drunk Drivers. Cops shooting young black men. The stray bullets could strike you as you drive and you could crash your car into a oncoming Peterbilt.
You want the BEST car seat for your kid. One that eliminates all risks of death and injury. The problem is last year’s car seat safety standard is obsolete. You need a brand new car seat that meets the blue ribbon panel’s standard of safety.
The only problem is that this particular car seat costs $435.
What?! $435 for a car seat!?
You’re just a poor single mother! Who’s going to save you from the high cost of infant car seats? (and toddler, adolescent, and preteen car seats?)
The United States Government is here to help.
Hillary Clinton will go toe to toe against Donald Trump, who denies women their access to affordable, ultra-safe car seats.
For far too long, Donald Trump has stood in the way of young 38 year-old mothers form getting the car seats they deserve.
Donald Trump is standing in the doorway of a warehouse filled with car seats. His arms are folded. There is a pout on his face. The breeze is blowing his hair. And women WILL NOT PASS through to get free car seats.
Hillary Clinton will change all that. Hillary Clinton will put on her sleeveless pant suit. You know, the one she wears for fighting.
She will march right up to Donald Trump, leading a huge cohort of mothers with babies. Her stilettos will click and clack all the way across that parking lot. When she gets into kicking distance of Donald Trump’s groin she winds up like Adam Viniteri and lands the point of her toe on the threads of the Donald’s right testicle.
“Mr. Trump, tear down this pay-wall!”
A thunderous scream erupts from the mothers drowning out Donald Trump’s agonizing cry. The women storm past the Donald like children rushing into Wonka’s factory. A warehouse filled with free car seats!
They cheer. The Donald also had a hidden stash of baby carriers that don’t hurt your back or hit your knees. He was hiding this invention this whole time. They gleefully cheer all the louder.
But then their cheering stops. The car seats are stacked on pallets three stories high. These women need someone to operate the fork lift. But that’s risky. Especially when all the moms are holding their infants.
“Uhh, excuse me, Mr. Trump. Can you take down that free car seat from up there? Hee Hee.” One mother asks.
He scowls, thinking to defiantly tell her off.
But then he looks up a Hillary. She’s pursing her lips.
She’s pursing them so hard deep dark lines appear in her face. The lines are so deep and dark they are sucking light, time, and then gravity into them. It’s a Power Lip Purse.
(If elected president, she will use that light bending Power Lip Purse against Vladimir Putin. Russian women will also get free car seats.)
Trump changes his mind as Hillary’s Power Lip Purse starts to erode the very fabric of his physical being.
“Oh, of corse, honey. I’d be delighted to help,” says the suddenly gentleman-like Trump. He springs up from the fetal position and jumps on the forklift.
“Okay. I need all you mothers to take a step back from this dangerous fork lift… Please.” Everybody is smiling.
Hillary has saved the day for motherhood! She made Trump pay for free car seats. And she got him to take them down from the top shelf.
Now, who’s going to install these darned things?!