Ban Fat? No. Ban Carrots.

How many people limit their fat intake? Too many. America sees fat not as a nutrient like the Bible does, but as an irresistible poison. Lobbying groups nag food companies to reduce the amount of fat in food. Low fat Twinkies are why Hostess went out of business. Patrons ask restaurants for fat free alternative menu items. Even Taco Bell succumbed to this nonsense with Fresco style tacos.

Worst of all we elect and reelect tyrants to our representative government who slam their iron fist down hard on the consumption of fat. I predicted this. Hatred of fat, a nutrient, is the type of delusion a society believes when it rejects God.

America actually believes that eating fat makes you fat. That’s a ridiculous thing to believe. Eating fat does not make you fat any more than eating carrots makes you orange.

Right now some science worshipers are snorting laughing through their nose and are like, “Jimmy, I hate to break it to you, but you can turn orange if you eat too many carrots.”

What?! Are you kidding me? Carrot sticks are that dangerous? And they’re like, “Yup, it’s called carotenemia. It’s from too much beta-carotene.”

Really. Well, how many carrot sticks would you have to eat for this to happen. And they’re like, “Oh, probably about ten pounds.”

So if you eat ten pounds of carrots, you can turn orange? “Yep, so you might want to think through what you said earlier.”

Okay, I just thought it through. We should ban carrots. Carrots make people turn orange because of beta-carotene, so we should ban beta-carotene. According to my research at least one person has died from carotenemia.

First Lady Michelle Obama! Mayor Michael Bloomberg! We need your leadership on this issue! BAN CARROTS BEFORE ANOTHER AMERICAN TURNS ORANGE AND DIES! Congress must not obstruct the First Lady on this important action that involves National Security!

Right now some people are like, “Jimmy, that’s an extravagant conclusion to draw. It’s unreasonable to ban carrots just because if you ate ten pound of carrots, you would turn orange. Carrots have health value. We need to eat carrots. They’re good for you. Just don’t eat too much.”

Oh, okay. Well guess what? Fat is a nutrient. Fat has value for your body. You need to eat fat. Please tell me why we ban fat. How about instead of banning it, we all take personal responsibility to not eat more than we need? (This is a Bible-based eating technique I reveal in my nutrition book The Livet. Pre-order now!)

There is no reason to hate fat except for a spiritual reason. We feel guilty for our sexual sins against God. Since we enjoy fat, we transfer that self control we should have regarding sexual appetites to our nutrition choices.

America denies the Bible. America believes that science is the ultimate answer to everything. And now we believe stupid things like fat is bad for you. We agree to ban fat just because some skeleton wearing a bow tie and a lab coat tells us.

All of human history, we ate fat. Thousands of years of human beings eating fat starting on Day 6. Then SUDDENLY in 1964, scientists held up a graduated cylinder and said, “Fat is bad for you. We must ban fat.”

We used to have all these sayings that described something good. “Cream of the crop.” “Creme de la creme.” “The fat of the land.” God said, “I’m leading you to a land flowing with milk and honey,” and milk has fat. (Bible, Exodus 3:17) Breast milk has fat, delicious fat. And a wonderful delivery system.

But for some reason, we believe that fat is bad for you. We’ll buy our birds suet. We’ll give our dogs meat. But human beings are the one animal who cannot eat fat under any circumstances whatsoever. Your joints need fat. Your brain is made of fat. It’s made of lipids. Lipid is another word for fat. It’s like the non-perjorative word for fat.

But does America stop and say, “You know what, God, you were right, and we were wrong to ban fat. We repent and turn to you.” No, because if America returned to God we would have to end gay marriage and ban sodomy. So instead we say, “Oh, it’s just one type of fat that’s bad. Omega-3 fats are good. You need to have the right balance of omega-3 and omega-6.”

These Omega fats are ridiculousness. All these stupid names for “good” fats and “bad” fats remind me of when your uncle does some magic trick like he pulls off his thumb or something. And you get older and you’re like, “Unc, you’re not really pulling off your thumb.” Then rather than fess up, he does some other dumb trick to confuse you, like make you sneeze money. And when he sees your still skeptical he’s like, “Jimmy, be quiet or I’ll tell your dad I caught you pausing Police Academy 4 when Callahan swims in the pool.” And you scurry off.

One comment

  1. Rapid Rik says:

    Eskimos live on fat.

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