Black Friday 2015. I’m sitting here in my secure surplus military bunker as the carnage unfolds at our nation’s walmarts. This bunker has wifi, so I’m able to access drudgereport.com to stay updated on the Black Friday casualties. It’s like a tradition around here.
Kids, stop running around the bunker! Or I’ll send you to Walmart to buy a flatscreen!
Guys, remember what your Uncle said yesterday at Thanksgiving Dinner? He said, “Welp, today is the day we’re thankful for all we have. Tomorow is the day we fight for what we don’t need.”
Some people right now are like, “How did you know my Uncle said that. You weren’t there.”
Guys, your uncle says that every thanksgiving. Every uncle says that every thanksgiving.
But nobody says it better than America’s Uncle, Eddie Fitzgerald. On his blog, Uncle Eddie’s Theory Corner, he has a picto-cartoon storyboard-script about Black Friday. Check it out here.
So happy Black Friday, everyone. Get your flatscreen before you get flattened!
George Washington’s Thanksgiving Proclamation of 1789 (via mountvernon.org)
Happy Thanksgiving, guys. I hope you’re having a good time with your friends and family. Perhaps you’re rattling off all the things you’re thankful for. That’s what this holiday is all about, right? To be thankful. And thankfully, we don’t need to think too hard to come up with a cornucopia of wonderful things that we Americans enjoy.
I just got one question. To whom are you thankful?
You grammar police are thankful I phrased this question correctly. I said “to whom are you thankful?” rather than “who are you thankful to?” Well, with that, I’m thankful I don’t have the grammar police harping on me right now.
So let’s continue using correct grammar, shall we? Read more
Today the United States Department of State issued a blanket warning to all Americans traveling anywhere over the world. Due to terrorism abroad, travelers should exercise caution. The Worldwide Travel Alert states:
The State Department alerts U.S. citizens to possible risks of travel due to increased terrorist threats. Current information suggests that ISIL (aka Da’esh), al-Qa’ida, Boko Haram, and other terrorist groups continue to plan terrorist attacks in multiple regions. These attacks may employ a wide variety of tactics, using conventional and non-conventional weapons and targeting both official and private interests. This Travel Alert expires on February 24, 2016.
So I got a question.
How long will it be before the United States issues a travel advisory for Americans traveling domestically? Read more
Guys, a lot of people think the New York Giants and Coach Tom Coughlin have the Patriots number.
Yes, they won some big victories over the Patriots. But here’s how they did it: Coughlin made his athletes play good fundamentals.
Fundamentals. that’s what the patriots’ victims stray away from. For some reason they think they need to play in a fancy pants, funky, tricky-dick way.
The Giants can play good fundamentals today, but here’s the problem: They don’t have the same athletes. A lot of the talent isn’t there this year.
Peterbilt Keys to the Game
The key to this game is to bump and hit Shane Vareen to negate the quick, short pass for the Giants’ quarterback, Eli Manning. Make him throw deep right into Duran Harmon’s hands.
Eli Manning is too stupid to know he should lose. That’s the strength of his stupidity. The weakness of his stupidity is that he’s poor at managing the clock. Watch to see if he flubs the end of the half.
The article says that Oklahoma is unique in terms of earthquakes in the world. Then they say that the world is going through an earthquake phase. Next they quote someone who says Oklahoma is unique in terms of earthquakes in North America. Finally they say, “In North America, Oklahoma is very unique and unique in the world.”
I’m serious. Here’s the quote if you don’t believe me. Read more
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, in his Time magazine column, argued that Dr. Ben Carson is anti-science and his presidency would be bad for blacks.
What?! Abdul-Jabbar must be suffering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from his game 7 loss to the Boston Celtics in the 1984 NBA Championships. Perhaps he’s so stung by Dennis Johnson’s stellar play in the series that he’s channeling his fustration against Dr. Carson. Read more
Ben Carson claimed in a commencement speech in 1998 that he theorized Joseph built the Great Pyramids in Egypt. Liberals dug the video up and published it on the internet for the purpose of heaping scorn on Dr. Carson.
Liberals, after all, decide what is scientific. And they told an accomplished surgical Doctor of neurology that he’s unscientific.
But typical of all attacks launched by the ungodly, this will backfire. Let me explain how Dr. Carson’s Pyramid statement will actually strengthen his bid for the Republican nomination and put liberals to shame. Read more
Guys, last year I heard through boingboing.net about the Paul Lynde Halloween television special. They took delight in the appearance by the heavy metal band KISS. But I got to tell you something. The real star of the show is the Peterbilt 359!
I have the above youtube video cued up to start at the 15:00 mark when the trucking themed subplot begins. Paul Lynde makes a wish with a wicked witch to become a trucker. Not just a wicked witch. The Wicked Witch of Wizard of Oz. And she turns him into the Rhinestone Trucker.
By the way, some of you may be wondering who Paul Lynde is. He’s a comedian. Back then they’d politely call him a confirmed bachelor. So the trucking subplot is confusing because he’s supposed to marry this hot waitress named Kinky.
I mean this waitress is wicked hot. She’s played by Roz Kelly from Happy Days. Smoking! The only thing that’s hotter than her is the Peterbilt 359 that Paul Lynde crashes through the wall to stop her from marrying another trucker named Longhaul.
Guys, Donald Trump sent out a tweet last week that pretty much summed up the difference between him and Mitt Romney. Donald Trump said, “The @GOP should not agree to the ridiculous debate terms that @CNBC is asking unless there is a major benefit to the party.” Read more
Guys, I pretty much predicted the Colts’ fake punt fail. Watch my prediction video. I said the colts weren’t there to win. Yea, the players want to play well. Sure, the players are talented. But the ownership and managment want to embarass the patriots.
Watch the fake punt fail itself. The 9 players lined to the right made no effort to salvage the play at all. They gave up. There’s no use trying when the coaches call dumb plays and the owners don’t have your back.
Truth goes together with Justice, which goes together with faithfulness.
Lies go with injustice and treachery.
Deflategate was false accusations, aka lie, created to launch an injustice. Would you play for a team that goes that route?
guys, I made this bold prediction for the patriots game against the colts. It’s a statement prediction. I really made a bold statement.
It went up on youtube on sunday, but I’ll share it here now. the kept me busy at work so I couldn’t publish it here earlier. so if you’re on youtube, subscribe to my channel so you see the youtube vids even before they appear on www.feedingjimmy.com!
Hillary Clinton, visibly angry that Donald Trump prevents free car seats.
Guys, I’m going to make a bold prediction right here. I predict car seats will become a topic of debate among Democrats vying for the presidential nomination.
Right now a lot of you are chortling. “Pfft! Car seats?!”
Yea, car seats. You know, like for babies. Well, it used to just be for babies. But now infants, toddlers, adolescents, preteens, and even short teenagers need to sit in booster seats while riding in the car. Read more